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Why don't rattlesnakes bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice. How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman Pinscher.
What is the difference between an onion and a lawyer? You cry when you cut up an onion. A group of headhunters set up a small stand near a well traveled road. The menu read: -Sauteed Tourist $10 -Braised Reporter $12 -Fried Diplomat $15 -Barbecued Lawyer $100. A customer, noticing the great price difference, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter explained, "If you ever tried to clean one of those devils you would understand." Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
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"Hey,
did you hear this one? What's the difference between baseball
and the law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing you're out,"
quipped the Lizard leader, after the Iguanas were struck down
by the Nemesis Prosecutors II, 16-7. "I tell you I do love
a good joke and everybody likes to pick on lawyers, but this prosecuting
team has class. I think they took mercy on us in our 10th straight
rebuilding year, even though we continued to look better and better
on defense with some outstanding efforts by several Lizards including
Paul B(SS), Will B(no relation)(LF), Gilberto S(P), Stacy T(2B)
and Rick K(CF) to name a few. Oh yeah, even our foreigner Eric
M(DH) scored. Hell, one of the their guys even tried to get us
all a little tipsy before the game. Now that is real lawyer class
and it reminds me of a few more little legal funnies."
What
do you call a boat load of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Two
lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out
a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer
looked at him and said, "You're crazy, you'll never be able
to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer
replied. "I only have to out run you."
How
can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? You can't get a finger
between the rope and his neck.
What
is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
A
Mexican bandit made a speciality of crossing the Rio Grande from
time to time and robbing banks in Texas. After a lengthy search,
the Texas Ranger sent to stop the bandit spotted him in his favorite
cantina, snuck up behind him and put his sixshooter to the bandit's
head. "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot
or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit did not speak
English and the Ranger did not speak Spanish. Fortunately a bilingual
lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's, message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was
buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did
he say," asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said
'get lost, you pig. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
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