You may have noticed a format change...our coach is trying to inspire us with "true stories" straight out of the tabloids!!!

Reptiles with cold bats drop 4th to Hard hats

"Well, I had my palm read yesterday. I consulted with the Ramie Damie Zen Master. I chatted with Madam LaRue, who gave me a tea leaf reading and told my fortune by feeling the bumps on my head. I talked to three witch doctors and I tried to contact 'The Babe' via seance, but no matter what I do no one can tell me how we can hold our own against anybody if we don't hit the ball," offered the tired and stressed coach after the Lizards took a 23-7 licking at the bats of Custom Builders this week. While continuing to look better in the field, the Iguanas just could not muster enough hits to stay in the running with the construction guys. "About the hardest hit I saw out there was when that throw beaned Sandy the catcher in the head. I'd say that thing ricocheted a good three or four steps. I quickly rushed to check and I am happy to report that the ball is OK."

"But, after more research via the web, I think I may have the answer. And, with the help of the Reptile Rag editorial staff, I have put together a series of testimonials and true stories from all sorts of folks about how hitting a softball changed their lives. I'm just hoping this'll be the inspiration this team needs to start hitting the ball."

First hit brings true love

"I was a 27 pound weakling who had never even been kissed," confessed I.M. Homely. "Then I started hanging out at the batting cages and found it was a great place to pick up chicks. I'd take a few swings and scope out the scene. After a while my muscles started getting huge. And the girls, well, let's just say when I popped that first one over the left field wall, they were all over me like cheap spandex on chubby quadriceps."

---

Tom Foolery had it all...money, girls, good looks...then he fell into a hitting slump. "I don't know what happened. One day I was smacking the ball and the next day…nothing." Tom tried everything from acupuncture to zen enlightenment, but nothing worked. "My teammates were so angry, they set me up with a bogus steriod smuggling charge and got me busted by the softball police."

It seemed that Tom had finally hit bottom, but then it happened. The warden at Tom's new home installed batting machines to train inmates for the institution's softball team. "It changed my life. After only a few sessions at the machines

I started really tagging the ball again. My old teammates heard about it and took money from the team beer fund to bail me out. Now things are back to normal for me. I'm hitting the ball again, and I'm probably the most popular guy on the team."

Selma Trustworthy of Mirage, Indonesia was plagued by aliens. "They were everywhere. They all looked like softball umpires wearing knee high stripped socks. Man, it was scary."

Trustworthy tried everything, but the little guys followed her wherever she would go. They were always there taunting and jeering, making fun of her softball game. Then, Trustworthy discovered the batting cages.

"After just a few sessions in the cages my hitting really started to improve. Then I got them. When the little blue guys came around I slammed 'em with singles, I dinged 'em with doubles and I trounced 'em with triples. Now they're gone and I'm a hero with my teammates. I may have saved the world, too."

- Sat April 18: Go to batting cages

- Sat April 19: Go to batting cages. Be one with the ball.

- Mon April 20: Go to batting cages. Visualize ball soaring into outfield.

- Tues April 21: Go to batting cages. Visualize ball soaring into outfield, and you being beautiful and popular.

- Wed April 22: Go to batting cages. Visualize ball soaring into outfield, and you being beautiful and popular. Then play the lawyers at 9:15pm.