G-MAN

The Legend…

by on Apr.23, 2009, under Family, Home repair, Humor, Musings

samuraidustwarriorWe’re on the tail end of the home construction/repair. The Master bath Granite counter was installed on Wednesday along with the plumbing. This should bring an end to the “dancing jigs” held in front of our guest bathroom since we’ve all had to share one bathroom for a while. Carpet gets installed Thursday and Friday. Soon we’ll be able to return to a normal life.

…but an ominous event looms on the horizon for the Saldivar household, an event spoken only in small circles and hushed tones. It will visit us this weekend or Monday…

As we are sitting in the living room, watching TV and folding clothes, I notice Lys is no longer in the room with us. I look around and just as I’m about to call out to her – the TV suddenly turns off – odd – did I sit on the remote again? Then I notice the ceiling fan has come to a complete stop and there is stillness in the air. Even the kids are looking around with puzzled looks on their faces. The air around us feels charged with electricity and then, the hair on my arms stand on end. What’s that buzzing sound?

“…wut dah hel…” – but I never finish my sentence.

The room explodes in a ball of blinding white light followed by the clap of thunder – both events announce it’s arrival. Lowering my arms from the defensive position I’ve assumed, I strain to look through the falling paper and dust then I notice a lone figure, standing in the room in front of the TV. A beautiful woman clad in an array of dust fighting armament. She is the Samurai Dust Warrior.

My mouth agape, I watch her survey the room – she is intoxicatingly beautiful…alluring. She snaps her head left to right and suddenly, doors, windows, blinds and curtains snap shut. Her hypnotic gaze upon me is broken when she looks at me and utters two words,

“Get out…”

As if the sofa I was sitting on suddenly burst into flames, I leap in to action, gather my children and quickly usher them towards the only open door. We exit the back door just as it slams shut behind us. We’ve barely escaped with our lives.

Inside, a thin smile creeps across the Warrior’s face. She reaches up, gathers her jet black hair up and into a “chongo” – a small audible snap accentuates the well executed move. She has been waiting for this moment a long…long time.

<insert GONG sound fx here>

In an instant, she leaps through the air and darts from room to room, dispatching dust bunnies with a swift swipe of her…well…Swiffer. The layer of construction dust collected on our furniture, screeches in protest as it’s abolished with a Pledge soaked  t-shirt. Moving swiftly, she disappears into the garage and with a rumble – reappears behind the reigns of her trusty steed – the Bissell Vacuum cleaner. She is a blur of motion as she masterfully guides it through each room, vanquishing any trace of dust from the new carpet.

Outside my children peek through the windows – hoping to get a glimpse of a Legend in action…a story to be recounted to their friends…

“Get away from there – she’ll see you” I cry out.

As they turn to acknowledge me, something thumps against the window. They scream and scamper into my arms. Even in the bright daylight, I can make out flashes of light from inside the house. Curtains and Blinds open and close as the Banshee travels feverishly through our home. Beyond the exterior brick wall, we hear something sounding similar to the evil cackle of the evil green Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. Something was taking great delight in the demise of dust and clutter. I close my eyes, hold my shivering children close and whisper, “Its okay, it’ll be over soon…” We drift off in to an uncomfortable slumber.

I’m awakened to the sight of my daughter’s beautiful big blue eyes,

“Daddy…I think it’s over.”

I rapidly blink to get my bearings and stand up. I can hear the birds chirping, the wind rustling the tree branches, it’s a good sign. Holding hands, we cautiously venture back to the (now open) back door. As we stand in the doorway, we are stunned to find Lys sitting on the sofa, calming reading her Better Homes and Garden magazine. The house is immaculate and it feels cooler. My nose picks up the faint scent of lemon as well. We just stand in the doorway, numb and exhausted by our ordeal…

“Hi! Where were you guys?” states Lys, looking right at us, her beautiful face glowing…

Without thought, my children run to their mother – they are innocent lambs. As I step into our home, a chill runs up my spine and I shudder. The Samurai Dust Warrior is gone for now, we are safe…but she’ll be back…she always comes back…

Beto

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2 Comments for this entry

  • SimonPonce

    My wife wants to know if the dust warrior is available for Tues mornings ? Tiene papeles ? ( is she a legal resident ?) Or should we pay her “under the table” ?
    When will the house be ready for a “Home Interior” party or better yet a new and improved house warming party ?

  • JimC

    I have heard of the warrior and seen the signs. Much like the other mythical creatures they are hard to catch and as a man you have to be very careful because they can put you under their spell and turn you into a dust fighting zombie in their army. The spell lasts only as long as the dust does, but as you point out…the dust always returns!
    Ayyyieeee!

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